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I Don’t Want My Kids to Win.

August 26, 2014 9 Comments
Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Please visit our disclosure policy for more information. Thanks for your support!

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Disclosure: This article contains references to a game received for review from University Games. We have in no way been influenced in our review. We really, really, really just love this game.

My 5 and 3 year old boys are sometimes really sore losers. Although we still have bouts with the game-losing blues, both boys have come a long way in recent months as we work together as a family on ways to become more gracious losers.

I truly think that in order for kids to be successful in life, they need to lose more than they win.

Lose

To clarify, I don’t mean kids should lose out on big things in life (being loved unconditionally, facing medical issues, having a warm, safe place to live). I mean losing in life’s little trials – like games, or academics, or sports.

In order for kids to be successful in life, it helps to lose more than they win.

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Constant winning is often accompanied by undesirable traits: overconfidence, cockiness, isolation. When kids always win, they may shut down when they are faced with challenges or failure.

Want to know a secret? People who are very successful often faced extreme obstacles on their path to success. These folks resoundingly cite that the adversities they faced were a key factor in their success.

So, would you rather your child work hard and understand the reward in effort, or would you rather they think they were always the smartest, most talented, fastest? I chose the former.

How to Help Your Child Be a Gracious Loser

Don’t Let Them Win

When we play games with our kids, we play competitively. We don’t “let our children win”, we teach them strategies for success. Take tic-tac-toe and other strategy games – the boys, with mentoring, have gotten strategies that put them in a better position to win. Our boys are so good at some games now that they can really, truly beat us and their grandparents a fair share of the time by out-smarting us.

You know what? When they win – win for real – they feel the success and the adrenaline that comes with it. You know how good that makes them feel?

I’ve gotten fed up with the mentality in our local sports leagues – where everyone is a winner, everyone gets a hit, everyone runs home, everyone gets a trophy every time. Kids realize the whole show is “fake” and the game isn’t that fun for them (or us as spectators). If there is no incentive – the game loses its purpose.

Choose Family Games That Challenge You

Our favorite family game of the moment is Sort It Out! Jr. from University Games. It is rated for ages 8 and older, but some of the questions are easy enough that my 3 year old can participate, and some of the questions are difficult enough to stump the adults. I am seriously considering finding the adult version of this game because I imagine it is outrageously challenging and would be great fun to play with our friends (or future teen children).

Family Game Night

Each player gets a “dot holder” and four smily dots to mark their answers to the trivia questions. The boys loved showing their answers on the holders, and I loved the wacky reasons they gave for their answers. I especially loved when they guessed better than me.

sort it

Sort it Out! Jr. is the perfect type of game to develop kids’ ability to lose graciously. The game has appropriate challenge, easy to follow rules, strategy (do you intentionally get an answer partially wrong to  hit the double point spaces?), and humor. Your family will laugh as they try to determine which animals have no eyelids, if a candle flame is hotter than boiling water, and who in the family has the longest forearm.

Sort It Out! Jr. from @UniversityGames is a household favorite for humor, challenge, and sportsmanship. Have you played?

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 Don’t Give In

If your kids are like mine, occasionally an epic temper tantrum will occur after a loss. My first impulse is always to give in and do whatever I need to do to make the noise stop. However, I try to offer alternatives: “Would you like to try again?” “Next time I bet you’ll do XYZ” or other suggestions that are related back to the original game we were playing.

Do I want my kids to lose control of their emotions each time they are challenged or fail? Of course not. That’s why I am working to teach them to evaluate their loss, determine what they can do next time to have a better come, and to keep trying until they achieve their goal.

As a parent, it is my natural reaction to protect my children from anything that might hurt them physically or emotionally. However, I know that if I do no teach them sportsmanship and perseverance, I am setting them up for more hurt in the future. I don’t want that for my kids, so we are practicing losing one family game at a time.

Do you have a kid who has great ideas? Looking for something to pass time until school starts?

University Games is officially accepting original board game ideas for their 22nd Annual National Young Game Inventors Contest #NYGIC. The contest is now open to children between the ages of 5-12 years old with fun prizes including the opportunity to have your child’s game manufactured, a family vacation, a savings bond and more!  Complete rules and entry forms can be downloaded at: www.NYGIC.org. #NYGIC2014

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Check out these other ideas while you are here:

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Filed Under: family fun, parenting, reviews Tagged With: parenting, sportsmanship

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Brandi says

    August 26, 2014 at 7:57 am

    I LOVE THIS!! We’re creating a generation of kids who feel entitled to always win and get the accolades. That’s not fair to them – or to us!
    Brandi recently posted…#ThroughMyChildsEyes Challenge for MomsMy Profile

  2. Dee says

    August 26, 2014 at 8:39 am

    Winning is awesome BUT teaching them sportsmanship & perseverance is what being a parent is all about.. after all how will they be able to enjoy the wins if they don’t lose a bit along the way?! 🙂
    Dee recently posted…How to throw a BIG party on a LITTLE budgetMy Profile

  3. Gina Badalaty says

    August 26, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    This is so great. I struggle with this myself, but I’ve changed my tune lately since the girls can now accomplish most stuff that they want to! Games are hard for them though, but I try to make sure we all win from time to time.
    Gina Badalaty recently posted…Protect Your Family From Allergies and More with a #HealthierHomeMy Profile

  4. Heather says

    August 26, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Agreed! It is hard on both kids and parents!

  5. Heather says

    August 26, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    Right? A win is not so sweet if it is expected. If anything, a loss is harder if wins are the norm…

  6. Heather says

    August 26, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I remember seeing a post with your daughter and a toy bow last year. I was thinking how accomplished she must have felt after finding she had some talent for archery!

  7. Kelly Raudenbush says

    August 28, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Love this! We can so often fall into the trap of taking care of things so much for our kids that they don’t even have opportunities to lose or fail. Great post!

  8. Tricia the Good Mama says

    August 31, 2014 at 10:15 pm

    This is great! haha I don’t think I could let my kids win because I’m too competitive. I’ll have to keep this article in mind as my son gets older.
    Tricia the Good Mama recently posted…Cinnamon Apple FriesMy Profile

Trackbacks

  1. Build Your Child's Confidence (Without Creating a Brat) says:
    October 19, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    […] We’re dealing with this issue right now in our home – the brat end of the spectrum – because my five year old is having a tough time losing. […]

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Heather Schugar is an educator, author, and mom-of-all-trades. She holds a Ph.D. in Curriculum and Instruction, and her work has has been featured in national outlets such as The New York Times, The Atlantic, Real Simple magazine, and Men’s Fitness.

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